I am the woman who loves you.

I am the woman who still loves you but today belongs to me.

I officially turned twenty five today at 6:15 am.
Yes, this whole week has been dedicated to you; however, today belongs to me.
The sun is shining despite weather reports of rain and snow because today belongs to me.
I didn't wake up with a single tear running down my face because today belongs to me.

Did I tell you my theory concerning all the bad shit that's happened to me over the winter and most recently this week? Well, I decided that this is what the psychics warned me about. Karma has come back to bite me on the ass before I turn twenty five for all the bad I've done in my life. This is entirely possible and I suppose I should have known it was coming for quite some time. But you know what they say... it only gets worse before it gets better and well, today belongs to me.

People keep asking me how I feel. I wish you would have asked me two days ago when I was mourning the ghost of a relationship in bathroom stalls. Or when all the melatonin in the world wouldn't help me sleep. Or when I refused to eat anything. Today is a breeze compared to that. Almost magically, I woke up this morning with out the feeling of a gaping whole in my chest or something substantial missing from my life. I woke up feeling sort of cleansed sort of amazing and a little short of normal. This day will belong to me forever. But that's not to say I've given up oh no, I have plans for that one... big plans. This isnt over yet. (thanks for wishing me a happy birthday)

I also successfully made it into School Of Visual Arts. I have to say it was one of the toughest interviews of my life because I went into it with the mentality that this is all I have left in life and that its my last shot to do anything extraordinary. This is the best birthday present I could ever give myself because I earned it.

Ivy shared this golden nugget with me. You all know how I feel about astrology. 

ARIES

I AM I AM THE RAM I AM I AM THE RAM.

why would jesus have wizards hands?

Im not talking about it. Here's how I've stayed busy since I've had my heart broken. Adventures in suburbia.

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Gumby legs

Where people don't pick up dog shit.

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Where all roads end

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Where Christmas is forgotten

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Im a fighter baby.

I shouted from across the train platform "Sugar, I've always fought love and I've always won."
(There's an uptown train approaching)--it's mine
"You see this?" I said
"We're always going to be going in two different directions."
The tunnel fills with hot wind and it's blowing my hair.
"We can't always be meeting like this."
The light is approaching.
I force myself over the approaching train;
"But I don't want to fight it anymore"
The train swallowed me up and this is the closest anyone will get to romance.

this is the last snapshot we will ever have of each other. hold onto it.

Saturday night first looked promising. Then the hurricane of 2010 (almost) ruined everything. Here's a snapshot; "Right now I look very pretty but I wont be Vivian Ward or Samantha Baker tonight. I want to cry but crying is for babies and wasted on the youth. This is the relationship of natural disasters. My sinuses are acting up and Im staring at the televison wanting to shout, "they're heeeeeeere."  After that pout-fest was over we braved the hurricane of 2010. We rushed out of the apartment like madmen and I was laughing the entire time.But proof of said hurricane was the miles of umbrella corpses across new york city. The man Im with knows I will blog the phrase "umbrella corpses". How well they know me. He also doesn't mind that my coat smells like wet dog. I look like wet dog. So that was how the night was saved and I suppose I didn't do a good job explaining any of it but regardless, it was saved. I like how brian caters to my zach galifinakas needs and sits through last weeks snl episode and lives through my annoying laugh and pleads for zach to be my boyfriend. I slept through the night and generated a lot of body heat.
the power went out in many places.

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I spent the entire weekend in bed and when I came home, I took a long nap. I couldn't fight my eyelids feeling like 10lb sacks of sand. I suppose every weekend lately has been the perfect weekend to lay in bed. I suppose all of new york city has gained 15 lbs this winter and that helps me sleep at night.
My interview at SVA is tomorrow. Im looking up potential graduate school interviewing questions trying not to vomit. I have many people in my corner rooting for me and it swells my heart. Im typing "tell me about yourself" for about 1/3 hour already and it seems I don't know myself. I have phantom pains but the good kind of phantom pains the kind where you know someone else has them too. I feel back rubs that aren't there, it's so weird. Im watching grey gardens and please for the love of god, don't let me channel little Edie during my interview.
I just saw a preview to "You dont know Jack", uhm YES.

dont come around here no more.

My teeth feel like they are going to at any given moment fall right out of my mouth like some weird confetti. Don't be alarmed, this happens frequently when it is a "sinus" day. Fortunately my teeth have yet to fall out due to the sinus pressure building in my face. Lucky for me, I work half day today and can prepare for tomorrows marathon of things to do.

Someone I work with tells me Im loud today. Im wearing a bright orange shirt and my hair is out of control with curls. I say something snotty in response. This is coming from the same woman who made the comment about my curly hair and how she wouldnt leave the house with her daughter if she looked like me. Work is a psychological challenge every day.

Yesterday, Howard who is a little bit crazy and frequents our branch requested me to go home with him so i can beat the shit out of him. I think he find pleasure in this if it was a reality. I wonder what Freud would say. The census guy finds any excuse to talk to me and I think its cute because he blushes all the time. Im still holding out for the 400 lb man who proposed to me last week during hell week. It was last week, right? I assume all the awful things that have happened to me recently happened last week. Im particularly unhappy with jennifer but this too shall pass Ill pretend its last week and im unhappy there.

I was thinking about this guy i went on two dates with. Whats killing me is that I cant for the life of me remember what his name is. Not that I need to get intouch with him but it's not something I usually forget. Especially since he was a key player in my dating history. He had a shower in his kitchen and a toilet in his closet, it really freaked me out. He listened to Nu-metal or death core I dont know what I was thinking, I was chanelling my fifteen year old self and dated the grown up version of my first boyfriend. Anyway, Im going through an alphabet of names and I am coming up empty. None of my friends remember his name, I think after Chris they stopped counting and remembering their names. I deleted his number and emails he must have been a ghost.

Everyone loves me

the only thing I learned so far this semester is I like the Tuesday crew at starbucks less than I like Thursdays crew. They ran out of black tea and gave me spiced chai instead. I don't like it. I like Jamaican peppermint tea the best.

I noticed my toes are less swollen while I was changing my bandage this morning. This is a good sign I tell myself and then squeeze my foot into and out of pointy toed flats.

This week has been leaps and bounds better than last. I shouldn't say things like that because I'm superstitious and convinced I will jinx myself. But my nyu portfolio was sent out for the third time, it's 54 degrees and I can wear dresses, my April trip with Tasia is coming together.

Michael took me out to lunch and moma for my birthday since he won't be around for my actual birthday. I bought a membership in a desperate attempt to see the burton exhibit. Notable highlights; large marge's eyeballs and a drawing about shooting a consitpated poodle. Michael warned me if I get a perm I will look like a poodle. So beware shooting me.

My birthday present from Marianna is an overnight stay at Atlantic city. I cannot wait to be surrounded by old women, the stench of aqua net and rows of penny machines. Were even going to take one of those old people buses to a.c.

There are many things I hate to admit. One of which is when I miss people. It kind of takes me by surprise when I realize I miss Brian. Mainly because we see each other often. I don't know what to make of it so I just ignore it. Hopefully this weekend we can
celebrate my birthday because like all the men I love in my life; he will not be around my birthday weekend either. I have this fantasy of celebrating my 25th birthday as Vivian Ward. But skip the prostitute part because Edward Lewis really fell in love with her from the beginning. It's going to be about opera, French dining, cocktail rings and bubble baths.

God shitting in purses.

We failed our tests. We laughed about it later. Im almost glad the failure was a collective effort and sometimes it's nice to be part of a group. I have a blue toe and it's broken. Its about that time for birth control, melatonin and an aleve. Before that, on my way to work from class, a nice almost sympathetic cop was giving my car a ticket. As usual, it was because I failed to notice the alternate side of the street parking sign. That simply means do not park here. It's sad the ticket wasnt at my usual spot around the corner from Brians apartment. In that case, I leave feeling so good and then a ticket bursts my bubble and im falling from cloud nine. But todays ticket, it was something to add onto the pile of events that has plagued me recently. All I can do is laugh and wonder what the universe has in store for me tomorrow.

Horoscope: This one is a good one.

Burritos or fajitas? Apples or oranges? Go to grad school or get a new job? Okay, so you have a few decisions to make -- some big, some not so. Fortunately for you, you're in the perfect spot to make them.

falling down stairs.

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Todays horoscope:

They love you, and you know that -- but you never expected this kind of devotion. Does this mean you're not really friends at all; that you're the guru to their devotee? If it does, you're most likely outta there. You've never been a big fan of groupies -- or of the people they devote their attention to -- and you're certainly not going become one now. Wave to the people on your way out.

xoxo,
marissa.

I dont mind, if you dont mind.

Monday March 1,

I suppose on this first day of March I should begin by apologizing to everyone in advance. If you dont know why now, you will soon enough. So, sorry.

 

Im telling people Im tired which is a lie but I've become so used to telling people Im tired on a daily basis, I dont know what else there is to say. This morning I woke up and found a video I recorded last night after I took my second night of melatonin. I wasn't sure if I should be horrified, amused or ashamed of myself. This video nor will any melatonin induced videos will ever surface. I vaguely remember shooting the video. I barely remember what I said to Brian on the phone and that really scares me. Im sure he will forgive me in the morning because we both have a sense of humor. I suppose I should have looked up the effects of melatonin before buying it. I figured it was a natural way to fall asleep rather than digging around looking for NyQuil. So I wiki'd melatonin...does this scene look familiar?

Today was the first day of my birthday month. I spend an entire month celebrating my birthday. Today I treated myself to a pair of $700 Chanel eyeglasses. I will pick them up tomorrow maybe. These are a cross between what I have now and the d&g ones i bought on frames direct which me look like a muppet. These were the only pair I really liked. Of course the saleswoman knew my taste she began by showing me frames too big and bold for my face then the more expensive stuff looked nicer. But isn't this how it works?

I also was emailed about interviewing with SVA for the grad program. Im relieved because a friend of mine had her interview last week and I figured the rejection letter will come any day now. I love when Im wrong. I get to dress up ,  answer important questions and bat my eyelashes at everyone.

Im also going to include my horoscope every day for the month.

You want to accomplish your true earning power quickly--however, this is just not practical in most cases. You must develop managerial and organizational skills and set limits in order to reach your goals through a series of sub-goals or objectives. What seems to be a long drawn-out procedure is difficult for you and through sub-goals, you will be more positive in your belief that the long-term goals are reachable. Some part-time work is also a positive. You are at your mental best with sharp ideas and clear thoughts--anything is possible! This is an excellent time to make decisions and take care of mental work. This is also a great time to reflect and understand your own situation, just how you feel about yourself. Lift your spirit with music and relaxation. 

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Tuesday March 2,
In complete contrast to yesterday, today was awful. My personality test was a disaster I think that I might have known the answer to one question. During the test I was thinking in terms of magic for instance I was telling myself the universe will right itself and make my random choice the answer. My lesson is that reading the textbook is the only way to survive this semester.
I was emailed by NYU that my application is incomplete. This is a complete lie, NYU. I have proof it was received by so and so. Since in my head, an argument with admissions will have a bearing on my acceptance into this college, I will resend my portfolio.
I was picked on at work. I feel worn down. 
Bowling was canceled tonight.So Im home refusing to watch American Idol (im doing an excellent job of it). Im under my covers and feeling sorry for myself. I want someone who will cheer me up but I know such a person will not think to come along so it's up to me. It's always been just me. I apologize for sounding so depressing but today was no good. Here, I told you, there were going to be a lot of apologies. 

A clear-minded insight into your own plans and methods is available to you now. Tactfulness is the key word for this day, especially when talking to someone about their mistakes. You may be the person in charge of a small group--higher ups are watching. Companionship with others is most rewarding at this afternoon and you should take every opportunity to be with friends. Stress later in the year could put your energy to periodic testing. This would be a good time to be conscientious about a consistent exercise program to build your strength and stamina. Over-exercising or over-eating can be a threat to your health. Learn ways in which to keep a positive frame of mind. Lots of people depend on your opinion.

These are NYC ghost stories.

While Chile's earthquake was looming, we laid under a big heavy comforter watching the snow fall from the tenth floor apartment I've become used to frequenting. We're watching the huge snowflakes and we're safe from it all. There are no branches snapping in the wind to crush us. There are just two mugs with instant hot coco. I contemplate the super volcano and armageddon in 2010. But in this moment we are trying to nap and pretend the people on television aren't talking about rape or bad relationships because we're more jovial than this. I think about majoring in writing but that would be like getting my masters in photography, what's the point? It's like wasting thousands of dollars on a hobby while you've already got the talent. You're a wonder boy I tell myself. Im focused on the little details and coma snapshots. I think to myself "this day is perfect." How did the one thing I hadn't anticipated actually happen? I can finally admit this to myself. I bought melatonin today to promote healthy sleeping. There are ghosts in NYC and a tsunami heading for Hawaii.