I am the woman who loves you.

again.

There's an exact formula that's been bringing me back here. Its time with happiness then happiness taken away over time. Its my depression that lures me here. Its the feeling of the tears welling up in my eyes and the pounding of the keys. Its the lump in my throat and the flashbacks. Its the exact melody I play over and over which will always remain a secret. 

I don't keep many secrets in my life. Maybe this is true to a fault. Most aspects of my life, rather who I am, are faulty. For instance, my mind moves in numbers, lists and sequences. Funny, I've never taken to math and I could barely get through high school math. My relationships move through sequences of events. Its so precise I know exactly when things are turning sour. One thing leads to another really it's always me looking in as a stranger. I feel like Im almost in a movie and I can't save myself. I'm at the mercy of someone else which I never have any say. I'm loved for just a spark of time and I feel beautiful and I almost see some kind of future. It's this exact moment that things go awry. I tell myself to never let myself think of the future or that there is any beauty or special part of me but I do and I jinx it. Every time I have a positive outlook it's almost as if I plant this tiny poisonous seed. 

The depression runs deep and it runs thick. I tell myself to be a better person, to treat people well and one day I'll be happy. I think about all those who I've loved and who has hurt me. I've lost my ability to love and sometimes I think Im going insane. I live in old bedrooms and apartment buildings. Comforters and pillows, sleeping men and rising and falling chests.I live on highways and subways. Im always coming and going. I want out. 

& then there was you.

Olivia Benson is on mute and the slow-burning fuse is playing in the background. Daniel has made too many mixes to make me happy during the course of our friendship. He is all the way on the other side of the world taking care of me. this shit sounds creepy I can almost feel a transformation happen within me. 

While another ex boyfriend of mine offered these words "poor flame, i knew it well. a flame of infinite jest, of most excellent variety" Yes my friends, I feel as though the flame inside me has died. 

Im drinking Neuro Sleep. I wonder how long before it begins to work. I hope I experience insane dreams. Its liquid melatonin that tastes like orange soda. Is this what my sleep tastes like? I would have preferred grape but beggars can't be choosers and Im not that greedy. Tasia and I had a night in which I was hallucinating and she was blabbering about sleep water and then we found an advertisement about an actual product called Sleep Water. Its sold in new york city but I've never seen it. We want to collect our rights to a product we thought we invented. 

I have this need to get out of new york city like everyone else. Only difference is I need to get away from all these implants. People here are mean but its not my native new yorkers. It's the friend who took me out on dates slept with me and then started dating someone else with no regard for how I felt. Yes its all the imports who have fucked me over time and time again. I have this overwhelming sense of need to move to a place I've never been to before. I feel an attachment to it like I belong. Is it overly dramatic to say you've ruined Brooklyn for me? Is it overly dramatic to mention the last nail in the coffin? But you dont give a shit, you used me. I never want to be used again. I need to start over someplace new. 

shouting different stories at once.

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My hair is past my shoulders. This began in December when I was still with you and we discussed the possibility of perming my hair. You cocked your head to the side and looked me in the eye. Were you imagining what I'd look like? Im a different person now, and it's past my shoulders but only in the back. Im waiting for the front to catch up but we know it never will. 

Im outside sitting by my pool in a hoodie and it's June and cold. I remember the time in october you and i decided to go in the pool. I ran under our deck to turn on the heater when I came up your white little body was shivering in the water. You're very much like me and we just dive into things head first. I spent the night warming your body with wine and embraces. 

Im waiting tonight for the rain to come. I have my arms up in the air like Ohio's jesus and the hurricane just wont come tonight. That jesus burnt to the ground, only the good die young they say. And baby, Im not going anywhere. Im living bad. Im loving bad. Im looking bad. Im speaking in tongues. I remember the time you came to church with us and my mother told you it was okay you're there. Because she was there and she's Jewish. I gave you a quick peck on the cheek and blushed like I was 11 and it was something that god frowned upon. 

I live in vignettes. The various vignettes of my love life. Boys bedrooms are now replaced by mens bedrooms. We're older but I always feel like I've been here before. Maybe I've always been here. Im looking older these days, I believe the word used was "mature". How did this happen so quickly and more importantly, how do I embrace this look when I havent quite felt mature yet. You look at me and wonder how I could mature when I've been handed everything my whole life and youre calling me a 20-something year old baby. 

I felt a raindrop. It's coming. My broken toe can feel it, the rain. Remember the rain storm of march? Remember how I drove all the way to see you. And as I drove over the Manhattan bridge, I thought to myself, if the wind blew me off this bridge it would be so cruel because I would miss my 25th birthday. But then again, it would be something to happen to me. 

the equation to a perfect storm isn't difficult. After all you've warned me you're an asshole. I convinced myself I'd fix you. When I was young I had a sense of need to fix boys. But when boys aren't fixed, you sure as hell can't fix men. It's just a fact of life and there's no hope of going back. I can't be everyone's therapist when I can only be my own. Ignoring a warning was my first mistake. Desire has always been the ultimate betrayal. 

There is a truck backfiring, like my latest conquest. I swear people think I get into relationships just to write about them. It's not that Im masochistic, I want love and to be loved. Things just go awry, time and time again. Im picky and we all have the right to be choosy. Im listening to the same song on repeat which is something I do when I write. It keeps the flow of my mood going and will keep me from deleting this whole passage because I suddenly realize what I really sound like and it's lost to the internet forever. I thought I just killed a huge mosquito and tried to take its postmortem photograph when it jumped back to life. Maybe I am jesus, but then I just smashed it again. 

Oh, David Lee Roth, we need some time apart.

shaking the sin right out of my skin has never or will ever be my manner of operation. seldom do i regret my actions and when i do, its when i hurt someone. no ones been hurt so im dancing on the bones of my old lovers like some kind of snoopy on crack. you remember the snoopy dance, don't pretend you forgot.i feel like ive stepped into an alternate universe where things that wouldn't happen, will happen. i need to be vague because i can't control myself and this is completely inappropriate.  

Im asking my best friend if shes remembers personal accounts of my life like she's my secretary. aren't all girlfriends good at remembering these things? well marianna and i have memories like shit. i think my only solution is to grow up, take care of myself and not rely on other people to remember things for me. the older i get the more i forget, do i need pills for this? 

my summer book list is now complete. it pretty much covers all the bases, sex, pop culture, mental illness, diets, and murder. remember when charles bukowski ruined reading for 3 years? yes well, i think my affair with books will resume this summer and not just the many magazines i've subscribed to. my favorite is Vice mainly because my mother is horrified by it yet still reads it if not only to complain. you're doing you're job and you're doing it well. 

I've been coming up with the most amazing one liners lately with the intention of incorporating them into my blog. however, im neglecting any writing because ive become uncaring. instead i waste them on my google buzz. 

the vet put my cat on anti depressants. i missed all the warning signs. should this question my ability as a future therapist? 

Anatomy of an almost/soon to be/pending Lay Off.

I've taken another hiatus from writing about my life. For no reason other than I needed to decompress from this semester. I can proudly report the semester from hell ended badly however, I ended up with a B-. You can understand why I feel some sort of pride because by some stroke of luck, I received that grade not having passed more than one exam. I guess giving a B- in to grad school isn't too awful.  

Today Im sitting by my pool instead of the memorial day BBQ I promised people. Im tanning and contemplating my summer reading list. It feels too hot to be june but i shouldnt complain because my best friend lives in Arizona and its about 90+ there. I thank the universe for small miracles. I got my first sunburn, will my skin peel? 

To explain my subject heading, yes theres a possibility (large) of being laid off. Simply put, the city and the greater new york state has no budget for libraries. Although the possibility of being laid off is much greater this year than last, Im not stressing. Mostly because I saw this coming and was smart enough to get my life together and get back into school. Masters pending 2012. oh that reminds me....

Anyway, so the break down of it all is to be as mellow as possible. I was a complete wreck last year and Im not doing it again. My fortunate co-workers spared from the embarrassment of private meetings with HR cant even speak of it. They remain more hopeful and by hopeful I mean delusional with thoughts there will be no layoffs and life will be cheery  continue on the way things are now. The reality once people are laid off, those co-workers will have to work harder to keep the system going. yeah thats how things are. keep it going, im your cheerleader. 

The Voynich Manuscript was a Hoax

i.

Many things happened in this time. Right now Catherine Howard is being told she is going to die. And she is asking for the block so she can practice properly placing her pretty little head on it. I have freshly painted nails and Im typing very delicately so I don't ruin them. 

I have an interview tomorrow at the Coalition for Hispanic Families in Bushwick. I'm really excited about it since it will involve working with children and possibly photography. The interview is at eleven followed by lunch with my mother and last minute studying for my Personality final. I'm both happy and relieved the semester is ending. I had a lot of ups and downs emotionally and academically. Both of which seldom occur let alone simultaneously so it made things difficult. But I guess that all excuses. Catherine Howard just urinated on herself.  

ii. (and most importantly)

I just asked a question that makes me nervous mostly out of fear of rejection. Mostly because I highly regard this person and I feel like I fucked up. But I did "fuck up" and I still feel terrible about it. I don't chase after something unless I know in my heart it's for the best. I have intuition when something isn't right but not this time. Im questioning the values of this blog if I need the original purpose of this blog any longer or if it has just poisoned my thoughts of relationships as a whole. In the last week it took a lot for me to see within myself and let go of the hurt. Not define myself by the hurt I've felt in the past. I learned I can't move forward by holding onto the past. Im a good, caring and genuine person who deserves to be happy. I need to let go to make others around me happy. I need to love myself before loving others. In one week, I did this. I beat myself up at first but then I saw the big picture. I want you, to be with you and give my whole self to someone with out bias or hesitation. For the first time in my life, I've found myself ready to totally dive into a relationship. Im not sure now how to mend this or to ease his fears. I don't want to bow out on this one especially with the strong even strangely comfortable connection we made. I'm not sure where to go from here, how to continue explaining, apologizing, easing, and comforting. 

iii.

As mentioned above, the semester ends on Tuesday. Wednesday I have my Rikers Island interview. Then Im mostly home free for the summer. With layoffs lurking in the shadows, I continue to work but with some sort of excitement over the possible freedom. Well mostly a sigh of relief over a possible overloading schedule come September. Im hopeful things will work out, they always do. 

I went flea marketing today at the Brooklyn Flea. It was nice to get out after my week and a half of being sick. My antibiotics changes twice, Im now recovered. I went with my mom which is always nice and bought many things. Shes becoming slightly eccentric which is welcoming. Today she bought these crazy dangling earrings that I would never in a hundred years imagine her wearing. It's really cute. 

iv. 

I saw a documentary on Diane Downs Friday night. It's incredible how much of a sociopath she is and that it took investigators nine months to arrest her. I guess it's a sign of the times back then. Its researching people with mental illness I know I'm on the right path in terms of career. I'm going to do great things.

Mom: 'Bushy-Haired' Stranger Shot Kids

I also spent too much time this weekend on the pending doomsday calculations of 2012. It is terrifying. 

no more speculation

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Remember how sick I was while in the Pacific Northwest? Turns out, it's a sinus infection. I don't recall ever having one in my life until then and now. In Washington/Oregon I thought it was a cold I thought it was laryngitis I thought it could be respiratory allergies. Apparently, your sinuses cause all these symptoms.
Another peculiar thing is happening to me this time around. I believe it to be purely psychological. I'm home sick this time and I'm particularly whiny, needy and miserable. I feel like this same sickness is magnified to a scale beyond what I felt before. When I was away, I was too busy to actually let myself feel anything. Maybe I should get out of this bed, shower and get on with my day and do something productive with my life. I will feel nothing.

There's a dead kitten still in the backyard behind the library. Soon it will rot I so guess I'm doing better than that. When Im home sick and nothing is going on with my life I tend to talk about all the mundane things. Such as, What should I have for breakfast? Like its the only big decision of the day. Oatmeal, Farina, or Eggs? I really want pancakes but I get a little crazy with myself when I make them. These are things no one cares about. What I really want, to be completely honest with you is to have someone make me breakfast and take care of me. 
  

tuesdays will kill me

For honesty sake, I want to vomit. I also have the urge to hit the one starbucks barista in the face. Im pretty sure she put my girl in a bad mood and for this, a smack in the face is warranted. But I will restrain myself because "i have an understanding of how to conduct oneself in social situations." I would love to know what happened in life to make this woman so miserable. Then I suddenly see a reflection of myself in her. Am I this jaded at the library? Do people see me the same way I see this awful witch? Nah, Im darling.

So I stopped reading your blog. Which is helping my nerves and my mental state daily. The funny thing is, someone new called me a city billy last night. It didn't occur to me until today this was all about you. See youre slowly disappearing from my mind? It took much longer than I anticipated but there you have it, congratulations, you are now and officially a ghost.

So back to me feeling ill. I feel like there is a war going on in my stomach.Not in a good butterfly kind of way. Im not a morning person however I can wrap my head around things very early. Other people however can not so this is the problem because I'm exhausting my resources and soon no one will want to hear my rants and raves. You know about men, where I went wrong, feeling sick every morning and friendships. People just can't handle it, understandable but ill come to you anyway.

So there was a litter of kittens born behind the library last week. When I left work on Friday they were alive and doing well. "All the kittens died..." was the first thing said to me on Monday. What upsets me the most is that this could have been prevented. one or two of my co-workers knew at least one of the kittens were in trouble. No one did anything to save it. My heart is broken. My ex-principle died. An old death metal local icon of my teen years died. They say it comes in threes. That's why seven is my favorite number.

I've started the steps to "gradually" transition from Elvira to Pamela Anderson. By this, I mean Im turning blond. Yes, Im growing my hair out (for the first time in 15 years) and going blond. Once I've accomplished this Im going to cut off all my hair and dye it black again.

I've started seeing someone new. And by seeing, we went on two dates. Two dates more than we usually get to. Its nice like how beginnings are always nice. I've also fallen in love with a new neighborhood (brooklyn heights) and fort greene might come in second. you know what they say out with the old, in with the new.    

 

running away is fun

My blog hiatus is almost coming to an end. I have a lot to write about now that my head is back on straight. Break-ups, Birthday parties, Vacations and adventures in grad school. Let's start with the most fun, my venture out to the Pacific Northwest. I was sick for most of Seattle which was most of my trip. It didnt stop us from drinking, cold medicine and melatonin. Space needles, prank calling businesses with fake southern accents, tsunami areas, trolls, starbucks, the homeless, an anime convention, rotten hipsters, 5 cent arcade, the goonies, the worst gps ever, car ride sing alongs and my best friend bee... Best trip ever!! photo/video blog....

Long distance dedications/sing alongs/the mountains

s'mores revisited

brooklyn driver meets back country roads

bridges and sing alongs with brooklyn accents

are you afraid of the dark?

The Rocky Mountains have never seemed real

On my death bed I want to proclaim I lived my life in airports train stations and bus terminals. I should have listened to my mother and packed some chap stick adding that to the list of things I will say when on my death bed. "I should have listened to my mother..." I have a cold and I hope the airport worker sitting next to me thinks I have H1N1 because shes watched me sneeze about 40 times in a row and has not said god bless you. Doesn't she know today is Good Friday? She must not know about Karma. Karma and I are mad tight, ask me about it one day.

A gorgeous Marine who still remains name less sat next to me on the airplane. At first he called me 'little lady' and then asked me if the "rock" on my finger meant anything. It took me a second to realize he was talking about the ring my parents bought me for my birthday. I giggled because the universe and karma have been playing jokes on me all my life and there will never be a "rock" that means anything on my hand. Sob stories for another time...
So this marine who is from Seattle but I would have guessed some Midwestern state starts talking to me about how to get rid of my chest cold.  The Marines are taught to scream the mucus out. I know isn't that the sexiest conversation I could have with a young Marine? While I'm red nosed and congested I'm sure there weren't any other suitable topics. We spent about an hour talking about Jean Claude Van Dam I argued I liked Steven Segal better. I guess we aren't a match made in heaven. Upon arrival, he pulls out this magazine about guns. Which put me on edge because he started talking about these guns with such passion. He loved his guns, I expected this to come from some redneck but no, this cute boy from Seattle and his guns a love story. While he's telling me about barrels and shell casings my head is filling up with massive pressure. I suddenly go partially deaf and he says "you don't care about this stuff, why am i telling you?" He was mostly right but I never like to be rude when it comes to passion. I tell him I care but Im going deaf and worrying that it will be permanent.

Im now waiting for Tasias plane to arrive and Seattle is cold and mean so far. I need gloves. I need a hat. I need a nice warm bed. I have to settle for tissues cold tea and my luggage turned ottoman. The Marine looked like a Thomas. Yes Thomas was his name.

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